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Sorry 2 bother u 💋
Good n bad news I guess. I have more music coming in the fall. But I have decided after my next release to take at least a 6 month sabbatical after that from releasing/creating music.
I have to be transparent. As much as I like to move in silence. This past 2 years have been extremely trying. Im no stranger to innovation and hard work, but as a independent artist in this industry time n time again i been exploited and let down. I feel stagnant. I’m at a point where I keep everything to myself, but when it comes to the art I do this for my people- and from the place I’m in I feel I owe it to yall to let yall know if I feel like this journey may be cut short.
I have total belief in my abilities. I’m not here to make this about anyone specifically. I’ve been put in so many unfair situations. As an artist who wants to make it you have to trust people to come onboard. Its no way around it. I guess I have just been unlucky to meet too many of the wrong ppl. I been lied to, lied on, stolen from, set up to fail, scammed. You name it. I put so so much work into EVERYTHING I do, and time after time, I been exploited simply because people see me as someone they can do it to. Because im not an artist that has a immovable force protecting me or a big machine to defend me. N still every one of their failures comes down on my name. not theirs. crazy right?
I’ve almost finished an incredible album with someone I considered a friend and executive producer- just for them to hold my sessions hostage with no conversation or consideration for me. Putting me into an entire legal affair, over something that was totally out of my control and I knew nothing about. Best music of my life. on ice.
a lot pf ppl know my past experiences, SA + abuse. From a public perspective its in my past. But in reality, I’ve experienced sexual harassment & SA both from “fans” and industry people. I lost count how many times tbh, thats how often I experience it. I’ve shut down and kept it to myself. I’ve put it in the music but every time it happens, I feel like I made a mistake even going into this career choice. Being visible at all. I regret not remaining unseen the way I felt in high school. Part of this sabbatical is feeding my incessant desire to stop being perceived or objectified.
The fact of the matter is, Im constantly reminded how much I don’t matter because of who I’m not. Because i dont go viral, or chart, cuz im not mainstream. Even tho I feel like I make incredible art. My imposter syndrome is in overdrive from how ppl take from me and pretend I don’t exist. People flooding the comments constantly bc a rapist decides to keep posting my music and make me into a joke. The art just doesn’t matter to people, when its everything to me. Im getting older. Im not making shit to trend. I knew it was a long haul when I came in. What i didn’t know was how many people would try to keep me from succeeding, or take advantage of me- someone who dont have much to take. People who wanted to get credit for my success while doing nothing but tarnishing my reputation. Its total warfare on my spirit.
Life isn’t fair. Its all about luck. Every talented person doesn’t win the way they want to. The good thing is I never got into this to win anyway. I chose music because it chose me. And I am so grateful to be apart of so many people in the vain of my expression.
I wish I had the courage to tell you guys everything. I just want to say thank you to everyone who has supported me & carried me thus far. Im not going to say this is the end, but I also cannot say wether or not I will be back after this year. I debated posting this, I know I may regret letting people see me defeated. But fuck it. I’m a real bitch. I have a good heart. N i don’t know how much I can keep subjecting this. I’m only human. So right now, thats all I can focus on. I’m not gonna let u guys down with the rest of this year but I can’t promise anything beyond that. I just want to be ok, I don’t want to fight anymore.
JD
talk soon.
I mean. Yeah. being thrust into this insane world / business at 18 irrevocably altered my brain chemistry. but I gotta say, I wake up everyday and make a coffee and sit with my son while we have breakfast and I think to myself “you made it out relatively unscathed to this point, kid.” and for that I am grateful beyond measure. all it took was the exhaustion of waking up and self evaluating on a microscopic level for the past 5 years (which nearly killed me) BUT. I’m here. And I have kept it pretty much together (best as I can) as of recent. which is more than 18 year old me would have ever given herself the faith to bet on. Growth and pain and peace on the horizon. You got this.
I have been quietly living through some of the hardest years of my life. In some ways that you know and in others too fragile to display. I’ll share it when I’m ready in dazzling and terrifying form, as always, on the record. Finally getting the luxury of existential thought now that I have calmed the storms of survival. Love you.
aug. 3: gold star loser
I’m beginning to think my headphones are a bit too big and bulky for summer. It’s gotten so hot recently I swear I can feel even my ears sweating. But whatever. It’s not like I’m just gonna stop listening to music. Next joke.
Anyway, you read the date right. The big Number Eight. August. Which signifies the end of summer. There’s something about August that just hits you differently. It’s like… a wave of excitement but also dread. The summer’s ending, but there’s still the last few lingering weeks ahead of you to squeeze everything into. I guess that’s the problem isn’t it? That’s what causes all the pressure. How do you squeeze everything you wanted to do into the final four small weeks? You never do and the disappointment’s so soul crushing.
I just know for a fact She’s panicking. It’s the same every year with Her. Summer comes and she swears she’s gonna make all these big changes, she’s gonna do something wicked cool, make amazing memories. And then August hits. It’s always fucking August. The realization of “shit… I didn’t do anything.” It’s so clearly obvious what her role in this life is. She’s never the main character, always the runner up. She’s such a joke lol
Meanwhile you open Instagram and this person’s got photos from her family trip to France… eating a crepe in front of the frickin eiffel tower. Whats-her-face has got pictures of her on the beach in a brand new bikini enjoying the hot air, a smile on her face. How do these people get these effortlessly perfect summers???
Maybe the end of summer is a good thing though. I don’t know. The end of summer State Fair is coming up in a week. It’s always the biggest event of the year. Everyone in town goes and it’s something you’re supposed to look forward to. They’re adding a new roller coaster this year too called the Passenger. It’s got this double loop halfway through and then zigzags up and shoots you back down. It’s the ride everyone is most looking forward to. And here’s the thing - if you don’t ride it, you might as well write “GOLD STAR LOSER” on your forehead.
Anyway, I saw that… well, let’s just use the name “Secret” in case this journal somehow gets found. Secret is gonna be at the fair… which means everyone else will want to be there. I know for a fact she’ll be there following Secret around, trying to look impressive and get Secret’s attention in some pathetic way. I’ve never known someone more annoying than Her.
Anyway, I’ve gotta go. The air conditioner is desperately calling my name.
follow along with @baileyrosespinn
It’s August, and we’ve got a brand-new playlist for you to check out who to go see play live this month. Make sure to check out our calendar to see who’s playing when.